We’ve all watched those movies or television shows where the wealthy relative dies and everyone gathers in the lawyer’s office or, better yet, the library in the mansion of the recently deceased—the one with the dark wood paneling, filled with books they never read and overstuffed furniture. Oh, and dimly lit. It has to be dimly lit. And all the family is gathered round (and possibly the maid and the butler), drooling over the estate and anxiously waiting to see what dear old granddad left them. The lawyer switches on the desk lamp, ceremoniously unfolds the document, adjusts his glasses, and reveals that the cat inherits everything.

Have you ever thought about when that actually takes place? In real life, I mean. Well, I can tell you when it usually doesn’t happen and that’s before the funeral. Even if the document’s location is well known, it is rarely ever consulted prior to any type of service or disposition of the body, unless there is a family disagreement, or the personal representative of the estate will also be in charge of the arrangements. 

Which is why you don’t put any funeral wishes in your last will and testament. There’s a very good chance you’ll be buried or burned—or in some states with more options, aquafied or composted—before it’s read. Meaning your wishes may not be followed because they may not be known. And your family may live with the guilt of that for a very long time. (Believe it or not, there are families who feel a tremendous amount of remorse when they discover, too late, that their plans and their loved one’s did not align.) 

You know someplace else you shouldn’t put your last requests? In your safe deposit box. Not unless you tell your future arrangers what you’ve done and put their names on that box, too. In the State of Tennessee (and possibly others) if someone’s name isn’t on a safe deposit box lease as a joint renter, then they may have difficulty accessing that box. As per the Tennessee Code Title 45. Banks and Financial Institutions:

In order to search for and remove any written instrument purporting to be the lessee's (the person who rented the box) last will and testament, or any writing relating to a burial plot or burial instructions, or any writing purporting to be an insurance policy on the life of the lessee, a lessor (the bank or financial institution owning the box) shall permit a person named in a court order for that purpose, or if no order has been served upon the lessor, the lessee's spouse, parent, adult sibling or adult descendant, or a person named as executor in a copy of the lessee's purported will provided to the lessor, or any person with a right of access to the safe deposit box immediately prior to the death of the lessee, to open the safe deposit box with an officer or employee of the lessor and remove the documents.

Wouldn’t it be so much simpler if you just handed a copy of your final requests to the person or persons who will be responsible for fulfilling (or ignoring) said requests? That way they know what you’re thinking without having to read your mind or hold a séance—or making a trip to the bank (which might be difficult if your death falls on a weekend or holiday—after all, Death is rarely ever convenient). You can also put a copy on file at the funeral home of your choice but be absolutely certain you let your family know what you’ve done and provide them with copies as well.

So many times, I’ll see well-meaning folks encourage someone to “put it in their will”, or a person who truly believes they’re being helpful opening a safe deposit box for the sole purpose of storing and protecting important papers—and last requests. But all the good intentions in the world aren’t beneficial if you choose poorly when it comes to communication. So, if there is information or documentation your family will need as they plan your farewell party, don’t put it in your will, and don’t store it in a safe deposit box. That’s probably the best way to be certain they won’t have it when they need it most.

About the author:  Lisa Shackelford Thomas is a fourth-generation member of a family that’s been in funeral service since 1926 and has worked with Shackelford Funeral Directors in Savannah, Tennessee for over 45 years.  Any opinions expressed here are hers and hers alone and may or may not reflect the opinions of other Shackelford family members or staff.